Wow, surprised people have run into this blog. Then again, I suppose that's why I chose "yourname," wondering if people would check it like I have. Funny how the old cliche'd web address still prevails.

Asked jenny out two nights ago, she said okay, but then decided to change her mind last night, deciding against giving me a chance and desiring that if we should go out, it'd be as friends. I'm sure none of this makes sense but I wanted to jot it down somewhere.

FUCK! i talked to Diana online. I WILL NOT TALK TO HER AGAIN DAMMIT!

Tonight was a big night but I don't want to speak too much of it right now. Effectively, I gave Diana my last effort. It wasn't the best, sure, but I wasn't about to expend any more energy on her for this. Earlier in the day, I purchased a dozen roses and wrote her a card that said:

for all the times
that I shouldn't have walked away
for all the times
that I should have stayed.

i don't want you to give this up
but if you do, i can't stop you.
as before and as always...
carpe diem

We spent an extended amount of time outside and in the apartment hallway talking about this. At some points it looked like she was about to yield and at others, I probably could've initiated something physical with her. Of course, I didn't. Maybe I would've had some success if I did, if I could bring myself to be a bad guy and simply decide for her by dominating her. She might even want that somewhere in her being. But, I didn't. She kept threatening to go back inside her apartment but I just waited there. I told her that I made the mistake of walking away from her before and I'm not going to make the same mistake again. If anyone is walking away from anyone here tonight, it would have to be her. In essence, I wasn't about to let her have the satisfaction of me taking the fall and the blame for not pursuing this. She'd have to slam the door on me and shut me out. Of course, that's not what she wanted in the interests of being a half-decent person and for what she claims to be vested interest in our friendship/relationship but she was convinced that it was the right course of action for her. And she did it. Hesitantly but eventually, she managed to close the door on me as I sat outside in the hallway looking at her. I wished she'd open the door back up and reconsider but she never did. I mulled around for awhile but finally drove away, drove home.

For the past 2-3 hours, I've opened up much of this to my friend and roomate, Ben. I suppose it has finally gotten too frustrating for me not to share it with someone I know and who better to share it with than Ben, who knows Diana fairly well and whom Diana has liked before. Ironic in a sense, almost disgusting really. In any case, we learned a lot of new things about each other which added depth to our friendship. We now know more secrets about each other and with that familiarity I was able to tell him about my Diana tragedy. It is safe to say that she's trouble, something I knew and kept reminding myself throughout this whole ordeal. I can't even say I blinded myself to it because even in acknowledging it, I still cannot help feel that my emotions are drawn to her. I still feel for her despite knowing that she's bad for me and quite possibly bad for a whole lot of other people as well. She knows this about herself too, which is frustrating as well. Ben said that the night Diana and I shared wasn't special...and he's right. I just wanted it to be and I still do. She may even say it was and she may mean it, but I know that I have good reason to suspect that even if it is special, its a special something that she's probably shared with and will share with many other guys. Big turnoff but I still yearn for her.

Does that make me a woman? Wanting something bad? Wanting to work towards changing that special bad someone?

Disturbing. Maybe the criticisms I've had for women aren't as exclusive to them as I thought. Maybe I'm just as irrational.

Anyway, talking to Ben has helped a lot but I'm still somewhat upset. It's nice to know that someone understands what I'm going through and even despite its shadyness, he still understands that I feel what I feel sincerely, that the pain and anguish is real even if I shouldn't be feeling these things even if it was wrong that my relationship with Diana has progressed to where it did and regressed to where it is now so that I feel them. She is such trouble and I can easily foresee any further involvement between us ending in greater tragedy...but I still wanted to take that chance. She knew she was bad and to give her credit, maybe she really didn't want to hurt me. Unfortunately, she didn't hurt me now, she hurt me the moment she pulled me into her life and I let her into mine. That was when it began. If she really didn't want to hurt me, she would've never allowed herself to draw me closer to her and allow herself to be drawn to me in a way that may be shallow and common for her but deep and meaningful for me. She hurt me by becoming a part of my life. She knew better but she's weak. She knows what she wants but she can't give herself away. She knows what she wants but she can't give up that part of her which makes her dangerous and hurtful to others.

That's enough. I will speak of her no more. I don't know if she'll still be coming to my party but if she does, I don't know how I'll react. It will be awkward. She may be open with everyone and it may make me jealous and angry. She may even be so with me and lure me back in. Something may happen, something may not. No matter what, she probably won't change, won't become anything better than what she is, and so long as she is who she is, I will be constantly at risk of pain and heartache. Part of me wants her completely out of my life, to not come to my party. Part of me wants her to come on the fairy tale notion that by then, she will have realized the error of her ways, reformed herself and figured out that she can't let me go, that she wants me, that she loves me...and she will come to my party to tell me that. Most likely, however, she'll come and flirt with a bunch of guys and I will have to grit my teeth and endure a tragic birthday. What a way to become 21.

So another weekend goes by spent in misery. Diana and I talked several times this weekend but I'll talk mainly of the conversation we had just now, tonight. She revealed to me, as I had suspected, that there were several other flies on her web, several other guys, several other doors open, several other opportunities for her to take. As depressing as this news is, like I said, it wasn't unexpected. I knew a beautiful girl like her couldn't remain unnoticed for long and I was right. She contends that she doesn't want to explore any of those opportunities including mine because it will be less painful for everyone that way. Try as I might, I could only tell her why I think that it will be painful for some people either way and that only through exploring her opportunities will there be a chance that someone or some people will be happy. Thus, it is better overall for at least some to be happy than all to be unhappy. She tried to argue magnitude of happiness but I saw it differently. I had resolved, after much despair, that I would give this a fresh start. That's why I wanted to talk to her today. I wanted to ask her out, try to put what was behind us and start anew. Essentially, I'd try to do it right this time, and try to woo her in the conventional way. I wanted to take her out to a nice dinner in San Francisco and then take her out to the beach where we'd build a small bon fire, roast some marshmellows, and spend some time together...hopefully to reinforce any feelings she may have for me and solidify the prospects of "us." Unfortunately, the first bummer was that she gets off of school late on Thursday and has engagements for both Friday and Saturday night. I'm fine with sacrificing the dinner part and do it on Thursday but she refused, not because she's not drawn to the idea or me, so she says, but because she doesn't want "us" to develop. She fears it. Fuck.

Diana said that the first time I walked away from her after one of our talks where we revealed to each other our feelings was a significant one. Had I not walked away, had I took the chance, we would probably not be where we are today and I would've won her over then and there. These other flies on her web are apparently a recent development. Thus, what I've done seems to have been too little too late. To look at this in a bad light, its as if our other significant moments, where I revealed to her my feelings and didn't just walk away, where I slept with her, are now cast aside by her and disregarded. I feel like I'm on the same level as all the rest of these other guys who have made themselves a part of her life...or to put it in a more discouraging way, that SHE'S made part of HER life. Though, I suppose it wasn't her fault that they fell for her and are now opening the doors to their hearts to her. She said, and I do not know how true this may be, that she does not necessarily have an interest in these other guys in the way she does for me, but she's open to the possibility. In terrible words, it means she's playing all of us. Of course, she's really saying that she doesn't want to play any of us. Unfortunately, we're all ensnared in her web anyway.

Despite my entreaties, she has denied me tonight. She did offer that I call her tomorrow and see if she's more obliging then. Of course, that may have just been a way to get rid of me. Given what has happened so far, my chances are slim. I just know that if we can be together, it will move things further along...yes, albeit, in my favor. However, what can you expect? I want to be happy BY her allowing me to make her happy. She's part of the function. I want to be happy by her giving herself to me to make her happy and hopefully eventually by her making me happy herself. Okay, that probably made too little sense but I understand it and that's what matters.

Please, Diana, give me a chance. Stop fearing, open your heart to me, allow me to take over you, let me distinguish, let me distance myself from the rest. Be mine.

Ever have that sinking feeling that you've been rebounded on, yet simultaneously accused of rebounding off of the person who has rebounded off of you? THAT...sucks. Things between Diana and I aren't going very well. For the most part, I think we're both avoiding each other. I've made the craptacular mistake of messaging or calling her the past few times. I hate to be the one who's always approaching the other person. It makes you feel like you're imposing yourself upon them and they're resenting it. As such, I've resolved myself to not approach her and allow her to approach me if she wants to make this work. Sadly, it can be horrendously aggravating to lie in wait hoping that they will. I imagine its difficult for both of us. We're probably each waiting for the other to initiate a conversation. At least, I hope so. It would indeed suck if she didn't want to talk to me at all, in which case, all is lost and this moment of life has lived its time. Dammit, woman, talk to me.

I had a "date" with Charlene tonight which turned out fairly alright. I had asked her out in the middle of the night sometime last week, which was probably a bad idea but thankfully nothing bad came out of it. It was actually somewhat funny considering I was in my pajamas two block away from my apartment calling her at midnight on my cell phone because I don't get reception here and I only have long distance on my cell. The first time I called her, I made some small talk and didn't actually get to ask her because I chickened out. However, after some self-coercion, I called her back and croaked out an invitated to dinner with me for tonight, which was 2 fridays away from that time. Okay, some background is necessary: She had sent me a "chain im" that said if she sends it to 10 people, something nice will happen to her at midnight. Knowing this, my pathetic little romanticized self decided it would be cool to ask her out at midnight, you know, to make the chain im come true. Hah, that was lame. She had broken up with her boyfriend quite awhile ago and is, for the most part, still getting over things.

Anyway, back to the present. So I dressed up as nicely as I could without getting too formal. Borrowed a very nice jacket from my roomate, Ben, which completed my rather nifty outfit, if I may say so myself, consisting of dark blue jeans, a light grey dress shirt, and a dark blue wool coat. Well, I thought I looked pretty nice. I'll have to get a nice jacket like that sometime. We agreed that I'd pick her up from work in San Carlos but I had to fight my way through rush-hour traffic and barely made it there before 7:00pm. She had said she'd get out of work between 6:30 and 7:00 so it turned out alright. I opened my door after pulling into a parking space and turned around to get my jacket when I suddenly hear a loud crunch and some bastard in his ugly ass truck had backed into my door!!! My poor RX-7!!! I got out and checked the damage. Unfortunately, there was paint chipped off as well as a bend in the edge of the door's sheetmetal. The guy asked why I had opened my door as he backed into the spot and I told him I didn't, I had opened the door and THEN he backed into the spot. Unfortunately, being excited about my date with Charlene made me way too nice and I let the guy go without getting his insurance information. Probably not a good move but I really hope that the sheet metal can be easily bent back in shape. The paint will be a problem but I had planned to have the car repainted anyway...but I don't know how far in the future. I guess I'll just have to confine the RX-7 to the garage for a while until I can think of a temporary solution. Blarg.

Anyway, the one thing I dont' like about my RX-7 is that I can only unlock the car from the driver's side. That means I can almost never open the door for the lady without making it entirely too obvious. I'd have to run to my side, open the lock, and then run back and open the door for her. By that time, she's already there and she's opened it herself! Blah!

Before we got on our way to San Francisco for dinner, we dropped by Best Buy because she wanted to purchase the Spiderman DVD. Of course, the Best Buy she chose to go to was the one where her ex-boyfriend, Alfred works. We circled the parking lot to check if his car was there and if so, we'd not go in so she didn't have to see him. Sure enough, it was there. Nonetheless, she resolved herself to go in anyway and as we walked in, she used me as a screen just in case she'd see him and vice versa. Fortunately, we made it in and out without much incident.

We fought our way into San Francisco, arriving 20 minutes late to MC², a very nice californian cuisine place near Little Italy and North Beach. Our waiter was a rather fobby guy who advised us that their menu was largely a tasting menu where the portions would be very small so anyone with a healthy appetite would have to order several courses. Much to my annoyance, he was only partially correct. We ended up ordering two appetizers, a soup, and 2 entrees...which in the end turned out to be just a bit too much. However, the bill wasn't too bad which is good. The food was pretty delicious. The traditional flambe was delicious as was the organic cauliflower soup. The entrees were decent as well but alone they were probably too little food. All in all, it was a nice place, albeit a bit too dark for my tastes; it could've used some more light.

During our rather long dinner (8:20-10:30) we talked about all sorts of things including her high school history, her family, food, cooking, why her past boyfriends never took her to nice restaurants, why she's a simple low maintenance girl, the ladder theory, etc. etc. We went for a little stroll down Columbus St. through Little Italy afterwards. The idea was to find someplace for dessert but she was too full so I didn't press for it. A little people-watching and we went back. At 11:00, it was too late for a movie and we decided we'd end the night. We made our way out of the city chatting as we went. On the 101S, we even managed to get into a little race with a BMW 8 series that turned out to be driven by a woman. I don't think she was actually racing as opposed to simply driving psychotically weaving through the traffic. We let her off after returning the favor of zooming past her. Not long later we ran into an older body style mustang with a rather large bulge in the hood. He picked a fight with us and we went at it. Heh, he essentially got owned. My RX-7 was clearly faster. However, we stayed around each other and he would egg me on by tapping his throttle while we were side by side. So I obliged him and pulled cleanly away to assert my dominance. Mwuahahahaha! Charlene loved it, one of the few girls who actually enjoy such dangerous antics...or at least, as she says, only this specific dangerous antic.

Eventually we got back to her place of work where she had her car. She tried to drop a $20 bill in my car to pay for dinner. When I tried to give it back, she wouldn't open the window so I just put it underneath her windshield wiper. I was quick enough to get back into my car and make sure she didn't manage to return it to me. Of course, I stopped nearby once she had given up trying to pay me back and I went up to her to thank her for a nice night. I didn't want it to end on such a ridiculous note.

That said, the night was rather ambiguous. Although it was meant to be a "date" it felt more like an outing between two friends, which is what I didn't exactly want it to be. It was, after all, my expression of some interest in her. Nonetheless, my own personal feelings are rather ambivalent at this point. I've learned that she's a rather odd person despite all the traits that have previously labeled her as the "ideal girlfriend" because she likes cars, modifies her car, hangs out with guys well, and is generally very very cute looking. So what makes her odd enough to make me think twice about pursuing her further? She's very anal and uptight about certain things. She's not a very open person and finds a lot of subjects quite taboo and improper to discuss. Other than that, she has tastes and interests that don't mesh well with my own. Her taste in music, movies, television, for example, are all very...unsophisticated. She, of course, for the most part acknowledges that she resides in a world very much her own. She's ignorant and stubbornly so with regards to many things, refusing to even think about or discuss them because they're "gross" or "just wrong." In other words, she's rather obstinately immature, choosing a self-fabricated and imposed fantasy land excluding reality to live in. Its somewhat disturbing and I don't think I could put up with that for long. She finds certain things wrong but not others such as drinking or street racing. She claims to be a pretty devout Christian yet lives a life where certain things are too clearly wrong when others aren't exactly. It's not exactly "hypocritical" but there is a strange dichotomy that unsettles me. Her life seems unbalanced but she is clearly satisfied with it. Her morals, standards, beliefs, and behaviours all simply seem way too incongruous with each other.

We're so different. What I thought to be a "trophy girlfriend" (in the sense that she does certain "cool" things guys totally wish their girlfriends would do), has turned out to be much too odd for me. At a basic level, we do not connect on way too many smaller issues. Sure, these minor issues of tastes and preferences aren't THAT important but I find that it can be very difficult relating to and understanding her. Our backgrounds and perspectives in life are too dissimilar. We don't connect as much as I'd like to. Sure enough, I don't know her THAT well but I've certainly gotten to know her a lot more tonight and it has opened my eyes a lot. Charlene is still quite cute but I don't think she'd be the right girl for me from what I know of her so far. The trend is, however, that the more I learn about her, the less attractive she becomes, no physically, but interpersonally. Suffice to say, I don't believe I'll be pursuing this avenue much further which means that if tonight was indeed not very "date-ish" to her, then not much will be lost. If, however, she did perceive tonight as a date (which I highly doubt), and if she takes an interest in me, then there may be some stuff that needs to be resolved. Despite not liking the idea of people not taking an interest in me, I suppose I won't consider this too much of a loss. No offense to her, of course, but sometimes people just aren't right for each other. She's a great person and a fun friend to have, but so far, she doesn't quite fit my image of a girlfriend or love interest.

It's funny. I've never actually gone out on a "date" to learn more about someone as a means of determining their compatibility with myself. I guess this is a first. I never really did such a thing with Lydia as I was head over heels with her from the get-go and we never actually went out to simply to learn more about each other. Diana, whom I dearly miss at this time, started out as a confidant and never as an "interest" to be investigated. Dear me, have I finally gone out on one of those "adult" dates where the two people are simply evaluating each other? *shudder*

Of course it couldn't last. Of course it was only temporary. Of course things would become awkward and everything would come crashing down. Or at least it seems that way right now. It didn't take long for Diana to revisit that critical question that I had discussed with her two nights ago: Why do you trust me given that you know my history? Last night, she came out and said that she didn't want to be the rebound. Regardless of what I could, and have, said to reassure her of otherwise, we both know that such things cannot change what is in her heart and mind. Only she can get over that. I understand but I'm disappointed...and the more I think about it, the more saddened I become. We parted online on acceptable terms and with the understanding that nothing further could become of us. Yet in the morning, I received an e-mail from her with these lyrics:

come up to meet you
tell you i'm sorry,
you don't know how lovely you are..
i had to find you
tell you i need you
tell you i set you apart..

tell me your secrets
and ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
common tales
heads are a science apart

nobody said it was easy
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh take me back to the start

i was just guessing at numbers and figures,
pulling the puzzles apart..
questions of science, science and progress
could not speak as loud as my heart..

tell me you love me
come back and haunt me
oh when i rush to the start
running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are..

nobody said it was easy
oh it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard
i'm going back to the start..

-coldplay, "the scientist"

They say so much, the clearest being that maybe she wants to start over, perhaps disregard the conclusions of the night before. I don't know but I was more upset than hopeful. I replied with the following lyrics:

I've been around, been in the lost and found.
Then I found myself a new love.
Thought it was just one more night on the town.
Then I realized I realized

I'm sleeping with an angel.
She makes me feel so good.
Sleeping with an angel.
I didn't know I could.
But I've done too many wrongs, sung too many songs,
To be sleeping with an angel, sleeping with an angel.

I've been in love, and I've seen it all fall apart.
I hurt so bad, and I hurt somebody real bad.
I didn't think I could ever feel love again.

But I'm sleeping with an angel.
She makes me feel so good.
Sleeping with an angel.
I didn't know I could.
But I've done too many wrongs, sung too many songs,
To be sleeping with an angel, sleeping with an angel...

- real mccoy, "sleeping with an angel"

It reminded me of our night together, of holding her in my arms and touching her soft skin. It also reminded me of all the shit I've done and told her that is precisely what is getting in between us. She had said that before she knew I had broken up with Lydia, she could flirt with me because nothing would happen. I was held back from acting on our flirtatious behaviour by my relationship and she wouldn't have to worry about my history/baggage because we'd never develop anything more serious. However, once she knew that I was no longer involved with Lydia and that something COULD happen between us (and something DID happen), she knew she'd have to be conflicted with her feelings for me and the fear that she would be a rebound or that eventually one day she will be in Lydia's position, as the girl that was cheated upon. She's right to fear, and yet again, I've come to regret sharing my secrets. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid. Things work out better that way. In any case, too late now.

Music like this coupled with circumstances as these can easily depress me. For the remainder of the day I wallowed in lethargy. Granted, I wasn't actually down in the dumps, but I was...perturbed. I wasted the day away listening to music, browsing the same websites over and over again, checking every few minutes to see who has logged on, hoping just hoping that it was someone I could talk to, hoping that Diana was back from class.

We eventually talked for some time online, about nothing in particular. She told me she was sick, had a fever perhaps, and that she would be resting/sleeping early tonight and will be getting drunk tomorrow at a party. This comment bothered me deeply. Have I become possessive? Have I become protective? Jealous? Why do I fear this party that she will be at? Why do I fear her being drunk? She's not mine. I can have no hold over her. Perhaps this is what has changed within me after that night two days ago. No matter what one says, something, some kind of relationship, some kind of bond is formed between two people who share the most intimate of moments.

I could've gone with some friends and strangers to Castro for Halloween tonight. But I didn't. I wanted to talk to Diana. I wanted to see her. I wanted to spend some time with her. Why? Is she right? Do I simply use her because I'm lonely? I don't know. I don't want to think that is it. I want to believe what I said, that I feel for her as she is, not as she is relative to anyone else. We shared what we did because of her, not because she is some girl. I miss her.

And she said she misses me when we said our goodnights to each other online earlier as she went to bed early. She could sense that not all was alright with me. I know I could've hid it better but part of me wanted the sadness and resentment to be known. I suppose I'm the drama queen like that, begging for attention. Pathetic of me, really. Diana signed off immediately after dropping that comment. Again, I was less touched than I was embittered by it and shot off an e-mail saying we couldn't be saying such things anymore. It's probably really selfish of me to put her through all this but I can't help feeling what I do. She needs less grief in her life but I need more clarification in mine, especially in regards to where we stand. Why do I even yearn for her? She's probably not the right girl for me but then again, I don't know who is.

And so it has come to this. It's been a few weeks since I've updated things here and frankly, I don't think I can write all that much. There's just been too much that has happened, it'd be impossible to relate it all. Last night, I finally told Diana, after 9 days of holding out, that Lydia and I broke up. Suffice to say, such knowledge, however suspected by Diana, has changed things. As the snowball rolled downhill, one thing certainly led to another, albeit slowly, cautiously, and apprehensively, I ended up staying the night at her place. What started as a night of trying to explain to Diana why she should not trust me given my history became a night in which all too many steps were taken in the wrong direction, throwing caution into the wind.

She remarked at how "affectionate" I was. I suppose that was somewhat weird given that I know of nothing else that I would do. Perhaps her past experiences have been of another nature and hence the surprise that she exhibited. The moment was exquisite and everything happened slowly. Her body was soft and supple, gentle to the touch, pleasantly scented everywhere. I tried to please her and there were several moments in which she was close to climaxing but as she told me later, she didn't allow herself to (I would explain this background on this but perhaps some other time). She communicated as well as she could, asking me how I felt and telling me how she felt. She was delicious. It was a bit difficult to kiss her. I'm not sure why but we had a hard time forming a suction and we would make sputtering noises whenever what little suction was there was broken. It was comical but cute at the same time.

Unfortunately, it didn't quite end with a bang but rather with some measure of embarassing disappointment. Despite being quite erect earlier on, I was as limp as limp could be when it was time to put on the armor and do battle...so to speak. Sadly, this is something of a consistent problem for me in in risque situations. It happened when I was with Anne and though this situation wasn't as "wrong," I must've been nervous as well. I am quite ashamed. I don't know what it is. I suppose sometimes when I engage in too much foreplay, my manhood simply gets bored or something even though I'm not. Perhaps they do have minds of their own! Comic self-deprecation aside, I was really perturbed. It could've been beautiful but it ended on such a lousy note. Damn you, little man, damn you!

Somehow we eventually fell asleep around 5am, which is when we've been going to sleep lately...separately of course. We would talk and flirt with each other for hours on end. I certainly saw this coming and I charged headlong into it. We woke up early, wondering when it would be safe for me to leave so that her roomates wouldn't know that I stayed over. She got up to check several times in which someone was always there. Each time she'd climb back in and we'd doze off for another hour or so until she'd check again. Finally, around 10:00am, the coast was clear and we said our goodbyes, wondering what lay ahead of us after I left.

I don't know what lies ahead. I'm afraid of it and yet I'm drawn to it. She's not perfect, but she's amusing, charming, cute, beautiful. Do I jump from one web into another? From Lydia to Diana? Is this going to be another long term relationship? Will there be regrets? Will it be as wonderful as the last? I don't know. I just want to take things slowly, one step at a time, and feel the world around me for once. This is life, right?